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***** The Sidon Incider Volume I Issue 6 *****
**** The Oldest and Best Newspaper in Sidon ****
*** Voted "Best Newspaper in Sidon" 3 years running ***
** The Originators of Fake News **
* Bringing you the Truth Through Lies since breakfast time *
**** The Oldest and Best Newspaper in Sidon ****
*** Voted "Best Newspaper in Sidon" 3 years running ***
** The Originators of Fake News **
* Bringing you the Truth Through Lies since breakfast time *
EDITORIAL: Introduction
Welcome to the first edition of the Sidon Incider. {Sub editor: Boss, boss, you've spelt "Insider" wrong, you've spelt it like "cider". Ed: Yes, that's right. You've seen the state the news team are normally in....}
So why another newspaper when this world is uncommonly well served by factual reporting? Well there's your reason, it's clearly in need of something much less factual. Plus House of Bear Publishing needs an income boost. And anyway, we got here first - or we will have done, once we get the time machine working that Bear paid a pile of gold for. And if that fails, we'll just send the fliers round to Sidon Today House and torch the place...
So for those of you not used to the House of Bear Publishing style of newspapers, what can you expect? Our proud claim is to bring you the "Truth Through Lies". Other papers faithfully quote alliance leaders word for word. We tell you what they're REALLY* thinking by making stuff up. Just like real-world newspapers, except we tell you that we're doing it....
* OK, well perhaps we tell you what we think they're really thinking - but at least it's what we really think they're really thinking, we're not making that bit up... well, not always.
So fasten your seatbelt - yes, even in New Hampshire - it's going to be a wild ride. Perhaps.
CONTENTS
So what's in this delectable daily dose of delightful drivel? {Ed: It's not daily. No way could we keep the news team sober for long enough. Or me, for that matter.}
We're not going to look at the top 10 alliances. Way too boring. We'll take the pith out of major groupings instead. Sorry, I mean make pithy comments about them. {Ed: Same difference.}
We'll take a glance at any wars that take our interest.
We'll do
We'll try to highlight any embarrassing incidents. (Reader ((there can be only one)), please send anything like this in for future issues. Or even past ones, if we can get that time machine working.)
And we'll probably throw in some utterly inappropriate pop culture references to look like we're down with the kids, even though we don't know what that actually means and are unaware of how stupid it sounds. Or how the phrase "pop culture" sounds, for that matter... but there's a prize for spotting them.*
* We'll like your post. Too mean to give out real prizes.
GWOUPINGS
As you might tell from the title of this section, we've got the time machine sort of working, and have
* It wasn't working well enough to get the weal one. Beggars can't be choosers.
Hugs (featuring Slap)
A wotten woster of wude, wubbish Wevolt
Pwobably only here for gold, because who could take this lot sewiously in a Conquest World?
Iwonically named, as they're not hugging anyone.
Pilate's summawy: Woeful wascals. Sink.
NEMESIS (all of 'em, but not the Weivers gwoup, we'll deal with them sepawately)
Why do they have to shout?
And what kind of alliance has thwee diplos? Having one is bad enough. Especially if it's me...
An MWA with lots and lots and lots of pacts, most notably with Curse of the Weivers, Weivers Too and Weivers Twois which is extwemely bold, given the histowy of this particular set of players. A massgwouping of mass wecwuiters - not peforming well in battle, and unlikely to survive an extended war.
Iwonically named, as they're nobody's nemesis but their own.
Special mention for Welentless - by far the best siege bweakers on the server. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Not iwonically named, as they are Welentlessly bad.
Pilate's summawy: Wotten mass wecwuiters. Sink, if not on their own, then at the hand of the Weivers.
Weivers Gwoup (Curse of the Weivers, Weivers Too, Weivers Twois)
Part of one of the biggest gwoupings ever seen in the game, we can expect Weivers to follow their normal pattern. Hug as many people as possible, then turn on them at the most unexpected moment. Wather worrying people to be allied to if you're not pwepared to get your wetaliation in first...
Pilate's summawy: More dangewous to their fwiends than their enemies. Wotten to the core, or more likely, to the wim. Sink.
Government
Worryingly for them, they appear to be using the UK Government as their bluepwint. Utterly inept, with no semblence of a plan, and incompetence fwom top to bottom. Never known anyone twy to hold a siege with just thwee horses as DLU before... and there are plenty of other examples of just how bad this cwew are. We have the evidence, we just can't be bothered to use it, we're too busy on the cider.
And "We are the law and order"? Weally? That doesn't make sense. "We are the law", or "We are law and order", but not "We are the law and order."
Pilate's summawy: Weally wubbish. SInk.
Send Noots
Weally don't know much about this lot. They like Penguins. The leader isn't the top wated player, which I always think is a good thing - he's spending more time leading than playing for himself.
Pilate's summawy: I like Penguins too. I have someone take the wwappers off for me. Float.
Masters of Chant (All things Chanty)
Odd name. Seem to be mostly simming. Or pwobably too busy chanting to do any fighting.
Pilate's summawy: Lovely voices, wotten stwategists. Sink
Fwank [Ed: This Pilate thing could get us into twouble, I mean trouble...}
Decent looking cwew. Well actually, pwetty ugly bunch, but decent players. The Editor weckons he's played with sevewal of them before, but as we know he's never played conquest before, he's a filthy liar and complete scoundwel.
Expect them to bash evewybody in sight.
Pilate's summawy: They need a war, or they'll get bored. Float.
The Watchers (All things Watchy)
At last, a pwoperly-named cwew. Watching is all they do.
Pilate's summawy: Watch them sink.Watch them sink.
Just For Laughs
Well we all know this is the most iwonically-named alliance of them all.
Led by Golden Boy Chawlie, some good players in there that should not be underestimated. Bound to be far too good for the thwee Ws, Welentless, Wetwibution and Weivers, although we know Weivers will take the opportunity to stab the others in the back before long. JFL will continue to offend most of the server by simply existing, and even more by doing quite well.
Pilate's summawy: A golden future awaits. Float.
[Ed: Can we